Coming back to Indonesia has been wonderful. And so much about coming back has been so comfortable. I stepped back into a life that I love, that I was already familiar with. A life that is comfortable.
But comfort, I've learned in the last couple weeks, is not always ideal. We are called to step out of comfort, and into a realm where God directs each step and puts us into situations that are unknown and uncomfortable.
Some things that are my comfort, that I'm learning to let go of:
Pampering... the massages, pedicures, manicures, movies in recliners, cream baths
My class from last year... that I loved with all my heart, that I now have to watch from afar
My friend group... to allow for developing new relationships with people from Life Group and others who I didn't talk with much last year
And probably the hardest, travel... recognizing that travel has, in a sense, become my idol
God's been speaking, and asking me to remember who I am living for. Who I am here for. Am I here to take advantage of the cheep pampering and entertainment? Am I here to make friends with my former students? Am I here to become besties with the same group of girls I hung out with a lot last year? Am I here to use my paycheck to see the world?
While these are all such blessings that God has given me, I realized I've been relying on the blessings to give me peace and comfort. A co-worker gave a devotion last week, calling us to step out of our boats and into the waves, and I knew that I needed to do just that.
It all came to a head last Thursday night during a late night encounter with God. After days of non-stop pushing from within, I knew I had to make some changes in my priorities. I sat on my bedroom floor, and God called out to me. I was expecting another lecture on how my priorities are all out of line.
But instead, He just had me sit in His presence. Scratch that. He didn't JUST have me sit... He invited me into the comfort that comes from His embrace. He invited me to return continually to the joy that comes from intimate moments with Him, when the world is screaming all around me and when the worries inside are building up.
It dawned on me there, that the only times that I had really felt peace and joy in the last week, were when I was meditating on His Word, when I was allowing it to renew my mind and fill it with things above. As this dawned on me and I was fully ready to surrender it all to Him, God, who is slow to anger and rich in unfailing love, faithfulness, and mercy, gave me the desires of my heart.
So now, as I travel, as I occasionally make a trip to the salon, as I spend time with my friends, and as I interact with my old students, I recognize that these comforts are really second to a life lived in continual interaction with the Father. The only place I want to be truly comfortable is when He is calling me out of my comfort zone.
So Lord, give me courage to step out. Give me strength to do as You ask. Give me the discernment to distinguish Your voice. Pour out Your peace and joy as I continue on this faith journey. Thank you for being a Father who, with more patience and grace than I could ever deserve, is willing to put up with all my crap, as I try to figure out how to live for You.
I just got done reading a book that reflects a lot of what you write about here. It was for my spiritual retreat class in a couple of weekends. "The Joy of Listening to God: Hearing the Many Ways that God Speaks to Us" by Joyce Huggett. What you describe here, she calls 'contemplative listening.'
ReplyDelete"What I heard in those times of listening was more than a voice. Is was a presence. Yes. I heart the Lord call my name. But I also 'heard' his tenderness. I soaked up his love. And this listening was on a level which runs deeper than mere words."
"That person's heart burns with a pure pleasure at the joy of being in the presence of the loved one"