Learning to Trust in the Hardest Moments

I've debated on how to share this.  Started numerous posts but never finished them. It's been three months since I posted last, and more has happened during those months than ever before.

As some of you may know, and some of you I'm sure don't know, in the middle of October I was diagnosed with cancer.  Colon cancer.  I had some irregular bleeding and went to the doctor to get it checked out.  After a few doctor's visits, I went in for a colonoscopy during which the doctor found a large polyp.  He decided to do the procedure the following day to remove it.  For the first time in my life I spent the night in the hospital, and I was alone, in a foreign country, understanding little of the language around me.  The next day, I spent most of the day alone as most of my friends had to teach during the day.  I knew I could have called other friends and they would have rushed to be by my side.  But for some reason I didn't.  It was probably the hardest day.  But on that day, I realized how God can fill a void completely.  If someone had been sitting with me, talking to me, listening to me,  I would not have sat with my Father, listened to Him, shared with Him.  So what started out as a tearful night alone turned into a powerful testimony of God's peace and presence.

The procedure went without complications and I spent another day in the hospital recovering and then had to take a few days off of work to stay home and heal.  The polyp was sent to the pathologists who did the biopsy to determine whether the tumor was malignant or benign. The days waiting for the results were excruciating.  I spent hours each day in God's Word and in prayer, seeking His peace and His comfort.  And He provided it in an abundance I never would have dreamed of.  At any moment through those days, the doubts and fears and anxiety would begin to fill my mind. But I was able to turn right back to the Word and remember God's promise to never leave or forsake me.

When I finally got word that the results were finished, I went in to get the results, only to find out they were inconclusive and more testing had to be done.  So I waited some more.  The community around me was wonderful.  My friends made sure I was never alone if I didn't want to be.  My co-workers sent me notes of encouragement.  My life group was a constant prayer support.  People I hardly knew were praying for me and offering their homes to me.  So even though my family was a world away, God had provided an amazing group of people to pull me through.

On October 31, the results finally came back, and the tumor was malignant.  But my two doctors differed on their interpretation of the pathologist's results.  Not a comforting feeling when your life is at stake.  Was all of the cancer removed?  Is there a possibility that it had spread already?  Do I need to have additional treatments?  The questions came like an avalanche.  But once again, God provided.  An administrator at the school has a friend who is a well-respected Singaporean cancer specialist.  He happened to be in Jakarta, at my hospital, and she got me an appointment.

After explaining to him my situation and having him look at the pathologist's reports, he offered to take my polyp back with him to Singapore and have his friend take a look at it.  In a few days, I got a call from the nurse.

The results were finished.  And the cancer was contained only in the outer layers of the polyp.  It would not have spread.

I am cancer free.

Cancer is a scary word.  Living with cancer is a scary thought.  But God's timing is perfect.  It's a blessing that they caught the cancer early.  That I am in a situation where the entire process, from the initial doctor's visit until I got the final cancer-free result, only took about five weeks.  I had the cancer removed before I even knew I had cancer.

It honestly feels like a dream now.  I haven't been to the doctor since.  My life goes on as normal.  I signed on for another year at SPH.  I continue to take unbelievable extravagant vacations.  My parents came to visit.  And through all of this, I have to remind myself, I had cancer.  I am a cancer survivor.  I wonder what the point of this was.  It taught me a lot, yes.  But I'm holding on to the hope that God has an eternal purpose for my short battle.  That He will use my experience, however short, to further His Kingdom.

One verse, one verse of the hundreds that spoke to me during this time, was Romans 12:12.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, fervent in prayer.

Kids Like These

I realized as I was talking with my mom the other day about a few of my silly students and tried to show her photos of them via my blog, that I don't actually have many photos of my precious little ones... so I decided to pull together some photos of them.  These are from the best of times, the moments when I can pause and take a picture without worrying that they will start distracting each other.  Overall, the days are good.  More often than not, even the days that I get frustrated with their chattiness, I am more overwhelmed with how adorable they are, and how eager they are to learn and have fun.  So... even on those rough days, I am content. 

But here are some photos of the days when I am amazed at how wonderful my class is.  At how I don't want to trade in any of my students or teach anywhere else. 

The month of September is called Bulan Bahasa.  (Bulan: month, Bahasa: Indonesia's national language) It's to celebrate national history and culture and remember how Bahasa brought together 17.000 islands and 360 languages.  There was a carnival for a few days, and the kids got to listen to traditional music, make batik, and eat lots of traditional food.  It's so fun to see the school in party mode... with tons of food and kids roaming around with their friends.

This is from a month and a half ago.  It was the first day that I had the whole class together.  So... it needed a photo!  Everyone was back from holiday.  No one was sick.  And everyone was willing to try to smile... not that they had a choice.  As I look back, they've already grown so much.  And I've gotten to know them so much better, and fallen in love with them in ways I couldn't have imagined.  Some of the photos are kind of rough.  There's no such thing as a "serious" photo with this group.  Which, I'm okay with.  They're a lively bunch, so why shouldn't a photo show off their personality!?

With routines in place, these next photos happen pretty regularly.  After coming in from break, the students find a book, or get out their quiet work.  But as you see, even their quiet work usually involves another student... that's okay though.  They're still so engrossed in their literature sharing! 

Making math fun.  Learning about things we want and things we need.  Here, we practice making a bar graph of all the things we want.  And the bar for everything related to technology stretched to the ceiling...

This is the middle of lesson time.  Miss Rachel pulled out her camera to illustrate how a Luke was very accurate as he wrote his account of Jesus's life, accurate since they didn't have cameras to take pictures of all the things that happened.  And where there's a camera, there are silly faces.  If only you could hear the laughter and see the personalities that go along with each smile.

Grades three and four share chapel time every Friday morning.  Each class takes a turn at leading.  I try to give the kids as much of a say in what we teach, what songs we have, and how we do the whole process.  This chapel was inspired by a group of my girls who made up a skit during their break times.  When Ida and I watched their performance about why to not steal, we knew that we had found inspiration for chapel.  

They tweaked their skit a little to make it "enthusiastic but not over the top" (our favorite phrase in class 3C), I found another skit to go along with the theme we discussed, they picked songs that supported the theme and made up motions, they came up with Bible passages that emphasized the main points, and then we spent a little time every day practicing.  By the time Friday rolled around, they put on an awesome performance.  And God was there.  Unknowingly, the theme lined up perfectly with some issues that grade four was dealing with.  And our skits really helped them to see how to follow God's way, instead of giving into temptation.  Even with a group of 22 crazy third graders, God gets all the glory for making it truly meaningful.

I love them.  And am so excited to see them bright and early each morning!

The Lord Gives

While I was back in the States, I got to share about many of my adventures from the last year, both the crazy vacations as well as the dream school I teach at.  Back in Indonesia, I am repeatedly reminded of all the Lord has given me.

I walked into my apartment on my first night back and was greeted by a group of girls who had made my living room floor their slumber party bed.  Rounds of hugs, stories of the summer, and a really dumb movie were the perfect welcome home.  I love these women, and am so blessed to have such a wonderful community.

A few days after arriving in Indonesia, a few girls and I booked last minute plane tickets, hotel rooms, and diving school for a holiday... you'll see photos from that soon enough.  I got to see God's creativity 18 meters below the surface of the ocean.  I got to soak up the vitamin D and get a nice tan.  I got to meet new friends from around the world.

I remember leaving vacation and holiday times dreading to go back to real life.  But as we got ready to leave the island, I was actually thrilled to be getting back to real life! 

The real life God has given me has been more than I would have ever thought of.  I will be returning to a school with a staff that loves the Lord, students who are eager to learn, and co-teachers that are my better half.  

This weekend I spent my time doing karaoke (my favorite Asian pastime), running around Jakarta's amusement park, and going to church.  Probably my biggest praise, the most valuable thing God's given me right now is a place to finally call my own.  After a year of looking and having my church family back in the States praying for me, I've found a place to call my church family.  My first Sunday back, He confirmed it that IES (International English Service) will be my church home.  I walked in, very early since our taxi driver was a speed demon, and stopped for some Starbucks.  The pastor was right ahead of me, and he offered to buy our coffee.  One of my biggest criticisms of the larger churches is not being able to know the pastor, but He assured me that even with the size of the church, this pastor cares, and I can learn from him and talk with him.  Worship was fabulous.  The message was good, and include lots of Scripture... probably the thing I was looking for most.

The Lord gives.  He gives, and gives, and gives.  He loves to pour out blessings, and I feel so honored to be the recipient of these blessings right now.

I started this blog post last Sunday afternoon.  Monday afternoon while I was at school getting ready for my first day, I got a text from my mom.  One of the teens from my home church died in a car accident just hours before.  My heart broke as my knees gave out.  I looked around my classroom, saw my co-worker walking towards my classroom and a student approaching to find his desk.  All I wanted to do was sit, in shock.  But I had to quickly move on to prepare for the first day of school.

The first days of school were fabulous, and always intertwined with prayers for home.  As I got word of the details of the crash, the prayer vigil, the calling hours, and the funeral, my heart continued to lift up this family.  My biggest prayer was that God would use this awful situation and do some mighty work.  That He would provide the strength for the family and friends that ultimately point others to the  Healer and Provider.

I couldn't post my blog.  The Lord has given to me.  Given and given and given.  But for my friends, He has taken away.  The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

And as the weeks events came to an end, I got to talk with my mom.  And she shared with me how my prayer was answered. God was present in every moment, showing Himself and His love and grace.  The stories she told me screamed that God was glorified, and that everyone was able to experience His healing power.

Even when the Lord takes away, He is still giving.

Always giving.  And I am so blessed to witness all He does for His children.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord.

America

It's a little late, but I want to share a few of my favorite moments while home.  Facebook shows some photos, but here are some stories, and I want to keep these stories close.  My blog tells about all my crazy adventures around the world, but my life in America is also pretty awesome.  So here are some of my favorite moments, the things that make coming back to America such a wonderful time.  So bare with my random phone pictures and instagrams, but they're some of the moments that meant the most... and my camera was not to be found.

My youth pastor for all my high school years moved to Florida to teach Bible at a Christian school.  Last year when they moved, he asked me if I was mad at him like so many others were.  I told him absolutely not.  He did the same exact thing I did... followed God to a dream job in a tropical place... how could I be mad at that! He's doing awesome work there, but I'm so glad the family came up to visit while I was home!!

Last year I met a few girls from college in Chicago.  There, it was a last hoorah before Janna and I moved to Indonesia.  This year, we met in Chicago to eat yummy food, drink wine, and catch up on everyone's new husbands, jobs, and homes.  We got an apartment that overlooked Millennium Park, and it was almost as though we never stopped living together, picking up our relationships right where we left them. I've seen Janna a bit every other weekend while I was in Indonesia, and it was fun to be back with the group where we first became friends.  I'm so grateful for these girls and the blessing they've been in my life.

A trip to Pennsylvania for a family reunion with the extended family, and then a couple days with my grandparents and aunts was so good for my heart.  I love this family so much.  I've been blessed to have such a supportive family as I've gone out into the world.  And I have grandparents that have left me with a fabulous legacy of serving God and loving people.  It's amazing to see them continue in this, more and more every time I see them.  I hope that as I age, I age as well and with as much passion as they have.

Being back in America allowed me to have a life like I always used to have during the summers (during those rare weeks when I was home from camp).  Lots of graduation parties, picnics, and trips to get ice cream.

Evan and Alec.  Evan, who is doing awesome work spreading the Good News in East Asia.  Alec who is doing great at the Air Force Academy, and going to be president some day.  Here we all are, fresh back from our time away!

Beulah Beach, where I spent so many happy weeks as a child and teen. So much spiritual growth from here, and so many friendships developed.

Before I went back to America, people asked me what I was most looking forward to... not the real answer (my amazing family and friends) but materialistic thing.  And it was food.  Bacon. Cheese.  Berries.  Food cooked on a grill.  And oh, did I ever get a ton of berries and grilled picnic food and other American goodness!  I also got a little bit of Asian mixed in, as we had some picnics with Chinese families, and we went out to Chinese and Japanese restaurants on occasion... but it was fabulous having a break from Indo food and the Indo version of American food.

Every year that I remember, we went to Blossom for the Independence Day concert.  This year was no different, and I took my favorite Blossom buddy, Cassundra.  I love this girl so much, and love spending time with her.  Whether bowling, or listening to music, cuddling in the fluffy blanket watching a movie, watching our pretty lame city parade, or just sitting and organizing my room. 

Some of those I was most excited to see was my church family.  And my last week in America was our 5 Day Clubs (VBS).  It's been years since I've helped out (because of camp and Indonesia), but I was able to help out again.  I can't think of a better way to spend my time then with the people I love making a Kingdom difference.  Eight hours a day with some of the people, hanging out with kids and pre-teens, teaching them what it means to follow Jesus. Perfect.

 

We made up a flash mob dance to do with the pre-teens, and at one point, we run around taking fake selfies with everyone.  And, being 21st century pre-teens they all took out their phones and took real selfies.  Of course I wanted to be like those cool pre-teens, so I whipped out my phone for some of my own selfies!

I feel like Dorthy. There's no place like home.  There's no place like home. These people have known me for 5, 10, 18, or 23 years.  And they know me.  Know me better than anyone.  And they love me.  I love them.  And being back with them, for those four short weeks, I felt like I never left. Now, being back in Indonesia as I write this, it's weird to think that I was with them not to long ago.  And it was perfect.  Thanks guys, for taking time out of your crazy summers to spend time with me.  It means the world to me.  I love you all and miss you already.